Royal Gate Bus Stop

I used the logo from the Royal Gate bottle to make it part of the street texture at a bus stop in the Mission. Royal Gate is a truly horrible liquor that you can get for $2.25 a half pint in the liquor stores. The target demographic would be the core alcoholic, no one would ever drink it for the truly terrible taste. The manufacturers claim otherwise however.

"Putting the "aah" in Vodka is our specialty. Royal Gate Vodka is an exceptional choice when it comes time for a smooth drink. Created in 1953, Haas Brothers continues to manufacture this special blend of fine ingredients. Available in three sizes, Royal Gate Vodka will meet your tasting needs."
http://haas-brothers.com/site/royal_gate_vodka

Medication Time Doily Head

I had a some fun with a mugshot that I found on the Ada County Police (Boise Idaho and surrounding area) website.

The ‘tea lifestyle’

Here is another choice advert from Craigslist.com, San Francisco Bay Area Edition that was posted last year. I kept this one saved on file because this kind of output can only be generated by a certified madperson. Someone needs to pull the reins in on this nut before they go publishing more things on the internet with their company name attached. My commentary in parenthesis.

Samovar Tea Lounge is Hiring / new location. (hayes valley)

We need to hire a few amazing folks who have as much zeal for tea as they do for life. (Uhh…alright. I drink tea. Whether my zeal for tea can be stacked against my zeal for life has yet to be answered.)
If you have what it takes to handle the incredibly intense pace of life in a tea lounge while simultaneously being able to evoke a contagious sense of calm and quiet...and you want to grow with us, send us an email. (I know nothing about the incredibly intense pace of life in a tea lounge, but I am a put my nose to the grindstone kind of guy. Simultaneously though, the sense of calm and quiet that I EXUDE spreads like wildfire whenever I step in the room.)
Please only respond to this email after reading below: (Okay, got it)
You will apply to this job if...
-you love customer service, and you want to deliver our tea experience to the entire world (starting here in SF)--Please tell us why you love to make people happy, and how you do it. (My love for serving the customer is eternal. My motivation in life is to one day deliver your tea experience to the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD in one supernatural throw. Until I find a suitable meeting place however, things will remain on hold. But hell, start small you know. I will begin my dream of delivering your tea experience RIGHT HERE IN SAN FRANCISCO!!! I hope that my zeal for tea is coming through LOUD and CLEAR on the page, the caps and exclamation points will have to stand in as an alpha representation of my nearly uncontrollable enthusiasm. Why I love to make people happy and how I love to do it would take pages though.)
-You have a flexible schedule and can work minimum 4 shifts a week, including saturday and/or sunday, morning, day and night (Hey, I don’t work with minimums, if life was an accelerator pedal, I would have smashed that thing all the way through the floor and been dragging my foot on the ground by now, producing a shower of sparks where my steel toed boot drags along the pavement. But that is neither here nor there. What I am trying to say is that given the opportunity, I will spend every waking moment delivering your tea experience to the world ((starting here is San Francisco of course)), morning, day and night.
-You exude the tea lifestyle: Patient, relaxed, hard working, really, really fast, care about organics, sustainability, and making a positive impact in the world. (The ‘tea lifestyle’ weeps from my pores. People can SMELL how patient, how relaxed, how hard working and really really fast I am. The subtle scent that trails behind me has a sustainable and organic quality that lingers blithely in the air. Notes of positive impact can be detected to the trained nose.)
-love tea--whether you drink it or have visited us at our locations (either or?)
-can learn really fast, hard, and pasionately. (In that order? I would like to put learn HARD at the top.)
-want to work for a company where there are no limits. Where dishwashers become managers, and where our only job is to help customers feel amazing. (How many dishes must I wash before I transition to managerial duties? It would help to know this upfront.)
-are available to start TODAY (Believe THAT!)
Please go to www.samovartea.com to learn more about us, and to decide if you have what it takes to join our family.

(I punched in the site and it redirected me from samovartea.com to samovarlife.com, thereby underscoring the need to make tea the lens through which you view life if you even want to be considered for a tea lounge position.)
DO NOT send a generic resume or cover letter. (Wouldn’t want to bury my zeal for tea/life under a generic resume or cover letter.)
DO tell us WHY, you want to work at Samovar, and why you are the best choice we could make. Include why you are capable of delivering the ultimate in customer service, your favorite haunts in SF for customer service, how you maintain calm in a sea of stress, and why you are the best possible we could bring to Samovar. (Uh, might have to come clean and admit that I don’t ‘haunt’ anywhere for customer service, I usually go for the food. How I maintain calm in a sea of stress is to shut my eyes, no matter where I am or what I am doing and picture a cup of tea sending a gentle wisp of steam heavenward. Then I count backward from 177 until I arrive at zero where I am once again restored and made whole.)

I called Samovar for a laugh and asked who was doing the interviewing on this. They told me to talk to Hector or Eric if anyone thinks they have what it takes to ‘handle the incredibly intense pace of life in a tea lounge while simultaneously being able to evoke a contagious sense of calm and quiet’, (415) 626-4700.

Male balloon busters

I collected some choice adverts from Craigslist.org while searching for employment opportunities over the last couple of months. Balloon busting is an industry in which I have no real experience or have even heard about for that matter. I am a fast learner however, and my ‘can do’ attitude will no doubt carry me through. The job market is forever changing and you must be able to adapt, that is not lost on me. I do have some questions before I proceed, so I thought that I would reach out to my network. Y’all might know more about this than I do.

Male Balloon Busters
(Anyone know why there is a gender requirement? Isn’t that a discriminatory hiring practice?)
Looking for men who enjoy busting balloons--especially by sitting on them--and would be willing to do so on camera.
(I don’t just pop balloons, I bust them by any means necessary and that includes sitting on them, my favourite method).
$50.00 an hour to start.
(The wage is nice, and when he says ‘to start’, I am to assume that there is room for the pay rate to escalate).
This is ongoing.
(That is good, I am looking for a career, not just a one off).
Not looking for professional models.
(Can anyone tell me what professional modeling has to do with busting balloon skins)?
Send pix/email for more info.
(I am somewhat confused as to why a picture is required. There is no association between my physical appearance and my ability to bust balloons).
If you could help me sort out a few inconsistencies in what appears otherwise to be a golden opportunity, I will thank you in advance.

Male Balloon Busters

I collected some choice adverts from Craigslist.org while searching for employment opportunities over the last couple of months. Balloon busting is an industry in which I have no real experience or have even heard about for that matter. I am a fast learner however, and my ‘can do’ attitude will no doubt carry me through. The job market is forever changing and you must be able to adapt, that is not lost on me. I do have some questions before I proceed, so I thought that I would reach out to my network. Y’all might know more about this than I do.
Here is the ad, with my comments in parentheses:


Male Balloon Busters
(Anyone know why there is a gender requirement? Isn’t that a discriminatory hiring practice?)
Looking for men who enjoy busting balloons--especially by sitting on them--and would be willing to do so on camera.
(I don’t just pop balloons, I bust them by any means necessary and that includes sitting on them, my favourite method).
$50.00 an hour to start.
(The wage is nice, and when he says ‘to start’, I am to assume that there is room for the pay rate to escalate).
This is ongoing.
(That is good, I am looking for a career, not just a one off).
Not looking for professional models.
(Can anyone tell me what professional modeling has to do with busting balloon skins)?
Send pix/email for more info.
(I am somewhat confused as to why a picture is required. There is no association between my physical appearance and my ability to bust balloons).
(If you could help the Left Hand sort these things out, I will say thank you for you for your help in advance.)

2 am eternal

Social Experiment

My neighbor Ray lives in the group home next door and throws his full weight into his occupation. And by that, I mean that he is a real nose to the grindstone kind of guy who makes a full time job out of smoking cigarettes. I met him a couple of years ago when I moved into the building and he told me that he used to do street drugs, it messed him up, but he doesn’t do street drugs anymore. He was actually pretty lucid compared to the near catatonic figure that I see behind the gate nowadays. I used to wave when I would pull in the driveway on my bike, but he didn’t respond a couple of times when he was looking right at me, so I ceased that. It probably wasn’t anything personal, he is just kind of catatonic like that for the most part.

He started trying to borrow money from me one day when I could see the desperate need for nicotine written all over his face. I decided to conduct a social experiment and gave him a dollar which he didn’t seem all that grateful about. As much progress as the dollar would give him towards some generics, it wouldn’t buy him the whole pack. I told him he could pay me back when he got some money. It wasn’t long before I was again pulling into the driveway and I could see Ray shuffling in my direction. It’s not hard to figure out what he wants when he can be bothered to get up and attempt to get in my personal space. I took a step back while he asked me for some money. I reminded him that he was still delinquent on that last loan of one US dollar. He looked all crest fallen and whipped because he knew that his failure to pay back the loan just doused his dream of a shiny new pack of cigarettes. It took a couple more times for the concept to register. He stopped asking me for money and evens waves back on occasion now.

Any Good Butts Today?

I feel like putting this question to my neighbor every time I see him out, but I just can’t manage to be that large of an asshole when the moment comes. I live next door to a group home type of operation this cat named Keith runs, and he gets paid to house 3-4 individuals through a government program.

I see this one shell shocked lost soul wandering out from behind the gate where they sit on chairs and smoke cigarettes all day. Opportunistic folks scan the horizon for possibilities while this guy searches the sidewalk and gutters for cigarette butts.

If I thought he was at all capable of communicating I might ask him about his take for the day. I will have to just imagine the conversation since it is likely to never happen.

“Oh yes, big haul today. I found a Marlboro light with a full inch on it and a lipstick stain. I found a generic full flavor with 2, maybe 3 good puffs on it and some spittle on the tip. The big money was cleaning out the ashtray at Kaiser hospital across the street, however. There I found a barely smoked Salem with a filter soaked in tubercular sputum. Top notch after dinner mint.“

As much fun as it is to make fun of others for suffering under the weight of a crushing addiction, I somehow manage to restrain myself. I feel a little bit bad for him actually, but that is usually in response to the urge to make some smartass remark.